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slowly picking my way out of the shards.
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| the days are loaded. |
[29 May 2004|12:05am] |
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mood |
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 infuriated |
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music |
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"the sweater song" - weezer |
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the good news: school is out in exactly less than a week.
the bad news: i forsee all of this stress looming in the horizon.
nooo. it's not even cool...darn those SATs the day after school gets out. that's the worse. and i have so much homework over this weekend. something from everything. with a huge history research paper (and a "seriously vague" thesis) on the fashion industry and materialism. grr to all my teachers. :P plus summer reading for AP.
on memorial day i have to go to joesph donald's grad party because apparently our families are GREAT friends. haha. i'm so stoked. i hope i see random people like neil blakeslee. *sigh* my elementary school love. now that would be super cool. i haven't seen/talked to him in forever. oh good times. i just hope that they don't look at our homecoming pictures or i'm not interrogated by relatives or something cruel and unusual as that. seriously, joesph donald's (and in this case daniel's) mother has the power to embarrass like no other. wow. she creeps me out sometimes. and she likes asking if people are an "item." lol. a few days ago she saw me with "the him" and she was all smiling and stuff. CREEPY. and she'll probably gossip it to my mom because they're such good friends and it won't be good for me because my mom doesn't like "the him"--she thinks i can do better. haha. oh geez. i love parents.
oh and it's late friday night.
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| i am who i am because You were... |
[27 May 2004|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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"du hast" - rammstein |
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wow. i am so stressed out. i had to work today till 9. grrr. aghh. and i still had 2 subjects of homework to do still. and i'm working on my english take home timed write while i'm typing this. wow, i'm a good student. the english program at my school is whack though. i'm taking AP next year, and the teacher already gave us the summer reading assignment--and we aren't even done with school yet. and it's on boring books like crime and punishment (a translated graphic russian novel) and heart of darkness (short but hard to read). crazy stuff.
i made it into ensemble (sort of a higher level of choir). yayness. hooray for dancing on the stage and doing funner stuff than the normal choir. i'm excited. jason's (the funniest freshman alive) in it too! hooray for mandy, meagan, blair, renee, angela, sarah, krysten, daniel, steven and andrew! yay! i felt really bad for the girls who didn't make it though. oh well, they'll make it their senior year.
my guitar has been sitting in the corner of my room for some time. it looks so lonely and sad over there but i don't have enough time to play it. SAD! it used to be my one driving passion. back in the day when i had free time. seriously. those days seem so far away.
i seriously need to stop listening to rammstein. it reminds me of "the him" too much. "the him" taught me "du hast" on guitar a while ago. *sigh*
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| will you ever know how much you mean to me? |
[26 May 2004|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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"drive to the end" - slick shoes |
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today was sort of a good day.
first of all, (and here i'm sounding like a timed write--those are the devil) i'm sort of glad this is a mostly-private journal. meaning that none of my friends really know about it. i've had xangas and other journal stuff that i've told my real life friends about, and i felt like i couldn't say what i really was feeling without them knowing. i'm weird, i know. i have complexes. but don't we all? but if you know me in real life, this stuff stays here. mmmkay? you know who you are.
and i'm really hating how much of a nice person "the him" can be. seriously. this is not helping at all. i was lying down in class because i was SUPER tired. so then he's all, "use this *hands over jacket* for a pillow." and i was like, "aww, thanks." it's not good. why can't i not focus on "the him?" God, seriously. i'm trying to dredge my spiritual life out of the drain while i'm attacked with an onslaught of "the him." and now this makes me feel like such a hypocrite though. i've told myself and others that i don't want to date in high school because it's a big waste of time and energy, and i'll get hurt in the end eventually and other logical arguements such as that. but my current behavior is obviously the opposite. my sub-conscious seems to think that the pain and waste of time is worth it.
why?!? ugh, i don't think i'll understand.
and by the way, my youth pastor is engaged! yay! i'm soo happy for them! *dances around*
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| there is always hope. |
[24 May 2004|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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"my immortal" - evanescence |
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and i'm really glad we're reading the glass menagerie in honors english class. i know that most of our class absolutely HATES it, but i kind of enjoy it. namely, because it's somewhat of parallel to my life. lol. i have an annoying and heckling mother, i don't think i'm normal, my dad is barely around, and random stuff like that.
glass is a perfect medium for illusion. you see how beautiful it is and how easy it is to break it. you can see right through it. it creates deceptive rainbows the flash and then fade. and these rainbows symbolize promises and hopes. when the glass shatters, and when we are face to face and staring reality in the eye, we can decide. we can choose to see those shattered illusions as little opportunities and clean it up and move on, or we can cry amisdt the shards and keep our little glass animals back on the shelf, when we know that they will break eventually.
and i can see how the theme of illusion vs. reality is so prevalent in american literature. it's so prevalent in our daily lives. each of the characters in the glass menagerie is trapped in their own illusions and refuses to be brought back to reality. i know i am trying to claw my way out of my glass box. in a way, the him and i both need to be rescued from our illusions.
but sometimes it's hard to pick up the ax.
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| late night study binge |
[22 May 2004|12:36am] |
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mood |
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impressed |
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music |
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"only one" - yellowcard |
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it's late saturday night...while i'm watching SNL and studying for my SATs...i've just discovered "memes" i'm going meme crazy.
hmm. well, i think that he's in queen of the damned, but i definitely haven't seen that. and i think he's also dating charlize theron. i don't know how i know that. oh well. but judging from the picture, he is really hot. at first i thought it was john mayer though...don't know why.
that was another one...which is the direct opposite of jessie. wow.
haha. that was another good one. i decided on a totally random person. there is some truth to that, though. he IS a player. and i am a good girl. wow. lol.
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| it's only getting slightly better. |
[20 May 2004|11:04pm] |
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"i love you for a sentimental reason" - linda ronstadt |
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whew. i just came out of 5 hardcore hours of studying for SATs. whoo. but i still cringe. yeah. my mom is putting a LOT of pressure on me about taking them. i mean, i know they're important and all, and it's not like i'm blowing them off. and i did super on ANALOGIES on the little practice test. so yeah. but i can only do what i did for AP Biology...study hard, pray hard.
someday eventually we'll look back on them and say, "wow, that was a waste of my time" or "wow, this person hurt me and they used me." and where will that time have gone? now that is the question of the year. where does the time that is spent go? i don't think our minds can comprehend that. it makes me think of the hourglass. there's a fixed amount already in the glass, and when the sand slips from the top to the bottom, there is no way that it can be reclaimed to the top (unless you flip it over, but work with me). since there is a fixed amount, you can't add any or subtract any from the hourglass. so in my hourglass, i estimate that i've used about 1.8 percent of the total sand to the him. wow. crazy! why? and he doesn't even like me that way! why does she even bother? seriously! and she isn't going to bother anymore! noo!
everybody's singing now...'cause we're so HAPPY!
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| oh no...i've fallen off. |
[19 May 2004|11:01pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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"living in your letters" - dashboard confessional |
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okay. today was sort of depressing. and i don't get depressed usually. the only reason is if people hurt me. in this case i've been hurting myself. i don't know. it's messed up. and i know who we're supposed to be in Christ, but everything says otherwise about me.
i hate not being perfect. i am a perfectionist. sorry. i, by nature, strive for perfection--and i get mad if i don't get it. and i now i know what it feels like to fall off your pedestal. and i was talking with one of my friends, and he said something really profound. and it really struck me. that no one is left standing on their pedestal. that hurts...for perfectionist people like me. but slowly, i'm crawling back to His feet.
and it's the same situation again. about a stupid guy (the same one!). why is it all that what is teenage life about? seriously! God, i need you to take it away. it bugs me how i'm always motivated by him. it's so not even right. i can feel myself slowing conforming to him, but i don't want to risk his "like/friendship/attention" for it. how have i become like a puppet or a shadow--twisting and conforming to the other's movements. why? i'm not regretting what i am but who i have become. when did i become so jaded and cold to the things of God? i need to be removed from him. no more. okay. i'm promising myself to not let myself be influenced. so this means--silent treatment. no nothing. i read somewhere (i don't remember exactly where in the Bible) about not even giving a foothold. so that's what i'm going by take that.
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| you live in a dream; you manufacture illusions |
[18 May 2004|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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music |
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"the ballad of sal villanueva" - taking back sunday |
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lately i've been seeing that illusions are the prevalent things of existence in my little rainbow bubble. maybe because i'm reading the glass menagerie for english, or because i've seen it everywhere.
seriously. everything is all an illusion or a front. it's so messed up. the popular kids (which i am thankful not one of) seem to be best friends, but they backstab each other all the time. i pretend i'm unbreakable but i'm shattering on the inside. people pretend to like each other but they really don't. i pretend i'm white soapy water but underneath the suds there is an appearance of murky filth. i hate it. i want to be transparent. but then i don't want to be transparent.
oh, the joys of living.
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| whoo yeah |
[17 May 2004|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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 ditzy |
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music |
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silence of my bonus room |
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maybe i'll post more for a more effect. yeah. so how is everyone. yeah? good. life is beautiful. wait, not it's not. oh well, i know it'll get better. love you all. and you all know who you are. life is weird. dreams are weird. i think that dreams are an escape. like illusion versus reality...creepy...getting all english class-y here. nooo, someone save me from my illusions that i manufacture myself. wait, i'm the only one who can.
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| whoo new journal |
[17 May 2004|09:12pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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music |
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"she hates me" - puddle of mudd |
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yay! this is jessie. i have a livejournal now. yay.
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only_regret's journal